Trying To Let It Be

It's been sort of a rough few weeks for me. I guess maybe I should explain a little. You see, around four years ago, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. I tend to suffer from moderate to severe panic attacks in sometimes random situations.

I've always been sort of a nervous person. I get that from my dad. There's a history of mental illness in my family ranging from OCD to anxiety disorder. My older brother  suffered from it before I did and so I saw how hard it was for him. It wasn't something I wanted to go through, but I did. Okay, I still do.

When I was in college, I went through my first bout of the anxiety disorder. I would find myself at home during weekends or breaks and that's when the attacks really hit. It seemed like when I was alone or had nothing to do when the brain took over and a panic attack would hit. I still remember my very first one. I was sitting in my bedroom in the very spot where I am typing this post. All of a sudden, I started thinking about everything that I had to get done and all of these negative thoughts hit me. My heart started racing and my whole body started to tingle. My chest felt heavy like I couldn't breathe. I remember waking up my mom and of course, she didn't really know what to do for me except try to talk me through it. Sometimes that helps, sometimes it doesn't.  After awhile, I decided to go to therapy because I was pretty exhausted from the recent insomnia that hit and all of the panic attacks. They can be pretty draining.

A few years later, I guess I've learned to control them on my own. Although, the other night, I was at the movies with my friend and my brother and yeah.. a panic attack almost completely hit me. Why? Because I was sitting there and my brain took control again. I was thinking about student loans I had to pay off and with me being unemployed at the moment, that can be a little frustrating to figure out. But, near the end of the movie, I walked outside and got some fresh air.   Was it embarrassing for me to have to do that? Yeah, but that's just the way it goes sometimes. I can't help it.

A lot of people suffer from a mental illness of some sort. Some people don't like to talk about it because there's always a stigma that becomes attached to it. I've had people back away from me after they learn I suffer from anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder. It's almost like they feel they are going to catch it.

Here are some things I would tell people who may not understand people with mental illness:

• It's not contagious
• There isn't an off switch for us (so telling us to just stop thinking about the bad things isn't really helping)
• We're still human beings (so treat us like one)
• Inform yourself about a mental illness a loved one might have so you can understand a little about what they are going through
• Sometimes all we need is just someone to talk to. Even if you don't have the answers. We know you don't have them. 

The current book I'm working on deals with self-harm (ie: cutting, burning, scratching, hair pulling, etc.). I want to give a voice to people who may not feel comfortable speaking up for themselves. I want people to know that it's okay to talk about it. That you're not alone. Because it can feel awfully lonely when people shut you out for some "issues" you might have.

Like the great Beatles once said: "All you need is love.. love is all you need."

If you have any questions about my type of mental illness (maybe you know someone suffering from it), feel free to ask me. I don't mind answering questions about it.

Posted in: jimmy kicks,personal stories,The Talent